filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
