So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
