y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
