Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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