I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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