Pants 0. Shit 1.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
