Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
