My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
