just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
