1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
