Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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