I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
