i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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