i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I need to stop coming to work sober
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i now understand why vodka
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
