I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
