there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
