Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
