My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
