Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
