I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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