Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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