You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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