I just saw a hot homeless man
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
