Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
