I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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