Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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