you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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