Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
