hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
