I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Umm I'm too high to move.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
