Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
