Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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