that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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