glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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