I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
