2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
