i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
