you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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