It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
