He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
