I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
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Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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