I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
