There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
