Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
