She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
