I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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