A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
