Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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