just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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