I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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