When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
