I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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