My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
