I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
