I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I touched a dick in church today
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
