I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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